Lou Reads the Internet for YOU! – Page 17 – Giving Voice to the Things You Didn't Want to Hear About

Lou Reads: What the hell is this shit? Tales of Terrible Xmas Gifts!

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MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Go ahead! Open your present! I thought long and hard about what to get you and I really think it shows… Go ahead…

magical_moments_game_moxley — This is what all 22 year olds want this year!

We’ve all been there! It’s Christmas today and you are probably going to have to put on the happy face for a gift you don’t like at all. You probably won’t even have the slightest clue as to why someone would even think you would like something like this thing you’re holding. “DON’T YOU PEOPLE KNOW ME AT ALL!!??!!,” you’ll scream as you storm up to your room and start texting about how much you hate your family… Well the last podcast of the year at Lou Reads is all about this special moment in a persons life. The moment you peel off the wrapping and look in shock at the object picked with care, or maybe not so much, for you. The terrible present moment. I have to thank the Something Awful Goons as always for their fantastic and truthful over-sharing. As always it leads to a great and fun read. If you want to read the stories yourself then please check out the thread here. And remember you can always give someone an AMAZON GIFT CARD!!!

Heres to having a happy, healthy and safe Holiday season. SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!!!

Lou Reads: Raw Tops Breeding Zone – Bareback Bonanza! – NSFW

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Look, there is no two ways around this topic. This episode of Lou Reads is not for the weak. In fact I would say its outright gross. Now, you might say, “Hey, Lou, whats so gross about it? Its just gay men talking about mostly consensual, unprotected sex, with multiple sex partners per evening and all the ins and outs of said practice. Whats wrong with that?”

Death Fucking You in the Ass — This is hilarious...

Well… maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m just being a prude. Maybe I should take a look at myself and as myself the tough question of, “Why am I not comfortable reading about the proper use of semen ice cubes?” I mean, I bet if I went to a shrink they’d probably ask me the same thing. So in a way this is like a free therapy session for you. When you stop crying you can thank me.

maxium-semen — Just in case you were concerned about your semen output volume...

One last note: At no time should you become aroused when you are listening to this episode of Lou Reads. Specifically not aroused by the subject matter discussed. If you are aroused by an external stimuli then I can’t fault you for that. However, this particular episodes kinks are just kinda over the top gross. So quit getting all hot and bothered by it. At least around me…

Lou Reads about Sucky Customers and the Sucks who Serve them at CustomersSuck.com

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You know… I once thought that everyone who has a job loves the job and is grateful for the customers who come in and make that job possible. Oh, what a dreamer I was. Full of grand ideas about how the world worked and free trade economic policies…

customer-service — If more customers did this then I could understand why people felt so angry towards them. Of course if you did the opposite no one would shop at your store. Classic Catch 22....

Then I got a job and realized that customers, for the most part, kind of suck. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I am a customer, too. I try really hard not be a bad customer. I don’t haggle, I don’t smell, I don’t do any of the things people on this forum complain about. I AM THE PERFECT CUSTOMER! Oh wait, I do the thing where I come in and get all the info then buy online… crap… I got too full of myself… and now I’ve paid the price for my hubris… I apologize. Look, my shift is almost over so if you don’t mind I’m just going to shut the register down and get some Dunkin Donuts and go home and cry…

While you imagine me crying and eating glazed donuts (such salty sweetness) won’t you please enjoy Lou Reads from the forums of Customers Suck dot com

2 Shots to the Dome!

Hey guys and gals, another non-podcast related posting. I just wanted to drop a quick note to update you on stuff I’ve been working on. First is commercial I just finished recording last week. I’ve been told its on the air but I haven’t seen it yet.

Then I did something for Blizzcon. If you don’t know what it is it’ll be obvious after you watch the video. It’s a huge online gaming nerd fest.

It’s been a busy November! I know if you belong to the Facebook page you already saw these but not everyone is as eager to share their personal info with the social network as you FB’rs. Now its back to working on the podcast for you rowdy lot, once again.

Lou Reads tales of Bad Roommates

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Look, I’ve had it with you. You are a terrible person to live with! You’re a slob! You stink! You won’t let my friends have sex in your room when you’re out of town! Really, you are the worst person I’ve ever lived with and when this lease runs out in 10 months I am out of here unless you move out then I wouldn’t mind taking over your room…

Photo illustration by Tyler Metcalfe/The Daily — Do you mind if I practice my guitar while you sleep?

Bad roommates are like a test from the universe. My question is what do bad roommates get out of living with good roommates? I mean besides living like the filthy inconsiderate bastards they are without consequence, of course. Now, I’ll admit that in my life I’ve been a bad roommate at times. Mainly due to my extremelyÂ privilegedÂ upbringing where I was taught that I am better than most people. I’ll just say that I’m glad that the internet was not a huge deal when I was in college or surely my name would have been in this podcast, too!

I just stand by the fact that no matter how bad I was as roommate I was never as bad as the infamous “Fecal Lasagna” Roommate.

Thanks to the Something Awful goons for all their tales of roommate woe!

Hey, I’m Busy!

Hey Podcast Pals!

Sorry for another slight delay in the semi-irregular schedule of Lou Reads podcasts. The end of October was pretty crazy for me! As you can see I traveled to the Rally to Restore Sanity. On the way down my friend and
I consumed a can of Four Loko to see what all the hubbub was about.

Suffering Through A Can of Four Loko — It tastes like garbage juice mixed with gasoline and it will get you disturbingly drunk very quickly!

After that we went to the rally it was a lot of fun

lou-rally-for-sanity — Holy People! So Many People!!!

Then I had to hurry home from DC and get my kids costumes all ready for Halloween… No Four Loko was consumed.

Add on top of that whole mess of stuff to do that I just booked a voice over job doing a national commercial for Cuisinart and man… I am busy! I’ve got a couple of days off so I am going to try and punch a podcast out for you lovely lovers of Lou (Reads) and post it as soon as I can.

MOST IMPORTANTLY: VOTE IN FAVOR OF STUFF I CARE ABOUT TOMORROW! Don’t be an apathetic loser. Throw your vote in the vote hole. Do it. TTYL!

Lou’s Latest Mac Tip (Video)

Howdy podcast fans and people who come here through image search. I hope you’re having a great day. He’s something to put a cherry on top of that sundae of a day you’re bound to have today. It’s my latest Mac Tips video. I hope you’ll enjoy following and learning along. You probably won’t learn anything, actually…

Lou Reads Anonymous Confessions from GroupHug.us

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Hey, have I ever told you this horrible secret that I have? No? Oh right, that’s because it’s a terrible horrible secret that I can never share with anyone I know! Or at least thats what I thought until I came across the site known as GroupHug.us!

crying_confession — I ATE THE LAST DONUT

Much like a FML website its a place for people to drop their gems of personal confessions. Some are short, some are long, some are painfully honest and some are just stupid bullshit thought up by jerks. To me Â that makes it a mixed bag of internet wonder!

Won’t you join me in shaking my head in amazement at this short assortment of crazy confessions.

Lou Reads: The Magic Cafe Forums! Magical Topics for Wielders of Evil Forces

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I’m sure there is one thing we can all agree on and that is that “Magic” is an evil and deceptive art sent by the devil to convince us that coins were up our noses or that there is an super long stream of hankies somewhere in our ears that ends in some spotted boxer shorts. The Devil’s work I tell you!

devil-magic-trick — Sorry, Lucifer, it was the 3 of Clubs. Better luck next time!

At least thats what I believed until I discovered The Magic Cafe and it’s sub forum for Christian Magicians. They showed me how you CAN do magic in the name of HIM who is HE who is GOOD and LIVING and LOVING and all the other words used to attribute emotions to imaginary stuff. Anyhow, I hope you enjoy listening to the mildly mind numbing discussions of how to do magic as a good Christian magician. Fasten your seatbelts! It’s about to get…. something!!!

Lou Reads: All About Marrying the Russian Girl of Your (Bad) Dreams

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A wise man once said, “To make a family in America you marry a woman. In Russia, WOMAN MARRIES YOU!”

Russian Skank! — Thank you for bring me your country. Now, how you say, I marry good Russian boy.

Man, its times like these when I am glad I married me an American lady. Sure, I know they are hard to deal with. What with their nagging and their “Why do you spend all your time doing that podcast for no money?” and their “stop cursing in front of my mom” and their “I can’t breathe when you stand on my windpipe.” Its not all wine and roses. But at least its not what these guys have going on. These guys want anything but an American girl. I’d say they want someone who they imagine isn’t corrupted by the temptations of the West. Little do they realize that they aren’t corrupted because they aren’t here yet! I mean if they think meeting American hot babes is hard at least they aren’t traveling around the globe to a meet a chick who barely speaks English. THAT sounds hard. But whatever. Just listen to the podcast already, tovarich. Dasvidaniya!