Lou Reads the Internet for YOU! – Page 13 – Giving Voice to the Things You Didn't Want to Hear About

Lou Reads about The Sucky World of Vampires

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Are you feeling drained? It might be because someone nearby is not what they seem… YOU MAY BE UNDER ENERGY DRAIN ATTACK RIGHT NOW! No, its not just you didn’t get enough sleep or you’re bored. Its you, under energy drain attack by a vampire… right now!

psi-vampire — Don't worry. This won't turn you into a vampire... nothing will.

Don’t worry, though. According to this forum, vampires aren’t really trying to kill you. They are just born with some kind of unexplained deficiency that can only be helped by leeching energy from humans. Some of them need blood. But don’t worry, they don’t bite you for it. Apparently they ask you for it and they have to make sure you don’t have ant diseases first. Energy vamps appear to just sort of drain you and apparently, even if there were like 20 of them, all draining you at the same time, it still wouldn’t kill you. So… yeah. Anyway… this episode is about these people so get ready to learn more than you ever wanted to about this nonsense.

ALSO RELEVANT! As it so happens this weeks Comedy Bang Bang featured a poem about vampires.

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New Video: Excerpts from Lou Reads #84: Pokemon Vore

Just made this video version of the first 10 minutes of Episode 84 of Lou Reads. Still amazingly dumb. Kind of wondering if YouTube will allow this to stay up… I guess we’ll see.

Lou Reads Tales of Soul Crushing Moments from the Something Awful Forums

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I know this episode will seem short but let me tell you that recording it felt like it took forever. Not sure why. Anyway, this time around I’m reading peoples tales of what they consider to be Soul Crushing times in their lives. Some of these stories you’ll probably say, “Seriously? That crushed you? Get a life!” but I’ll bet some of them make you go, “Ugh… how awful…” Unless you are an emotionless automaton… You aren’t… are you?

To see the original thread on the Something Awful forums please go here: Cuts Like a Knife: Soul-Crushing Things People Have Said To You

I apologize in advance for theÂ incrediblyÂ annoying fuzzed out sound in this episode. Once again my recording was plagued with tech problems. My brand new Yeti Pro mic by Blue Microphones appears to have shit the bed and made this episodes fuzzed out sound. So it looks like I’ll be sending it back… Really a bummer. I hope it isn’t too hard to listen to… I’m actually really bummed about it. I won’t say it was soul crushing moment though. That’s a bit much.

Lou Reads from Orgasmanic. A Forum about General Sex & Masturbation Chat

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First off, I would like to apologize to this forum for just straight mutilating the name of the forum for the 1st million times I said its name. The name of this forum is OrgasmanicÂ not Orgasm Maniac or Orgasmania or whatever other retarded ways I pronounced it. I mean, I think you’d have to agree that my mistakes are probably better names for the forum but who knows. Maybe those names were taken. If they aren’t then you should probably go and register them and start your own masturbation forum.

A girl masturbating in class — I know you spelled it wrong but we get what you mean

I hope you enjoyed this episode. Sure, its no Fetlife but really, what is… I know its not the grossest but I actually enjoyed how not over-the-top gross Orgasmanic was compared to some of the horrible stuff I’ve read. Not to say that the topics aren’t gross or dumb at times. Its always amazing to see like minded people gleefully sharing their stories that in “polite society” would have people covering their ears in disgust. But then again there you are having it read straight into your ears! I guess thats says a lot about you!!! … and me… *Sob*

Anyway, I hope enjoy this episode. Hopefully next time I’ll have a lot less technical problems!

Lou Reads Mini-Post: Holiday Gift Supreme

Hi everybody!

As you may remember over the holidays I offered to record things for you, the fans. In the past people have asked for voicemail or answering machine messages and I’ve been happy to record them. This last holiday season I did a lot of great recordings for people. One request, however, stood out from the rest. A gentleman contacted me about reading some stories for his wife. He and his wife are both big fans of the podcast so he thought it would be great for me to record the stories he would normally make up for his wife before she went to bed. The stories revolve around his wife’s beloved cats, Mr. Mo Mo & Dr. Norman P Nibbles. In all he had me read 5-6 stories about the wacky antics of the furry duo. I asked him if I could share them with the rest of the Lou Reads fans and he said yes! The recordings, as you might imagine, were a total surprise on Christmas Day. They were apparently also a big hit! Hooray! A Christmas Miracle!!!

So, since I just lost a ton of my last recording to yet another crash, I thought I’d share just one of the tales of Mr. Mo Mo & Dr. Norman with you fine folks. So without further ado I present:

The Time Dr. Normal P. Nibbles Pimped out Mr. Mo Mo.

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Meanwhile I’m recording again tonight. When you listen to the next episode keep in mind that I had to re-read a bunch of this junk. Bleh.

Lou Reads about Unexplained Mysteries

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Lou Reads podcast is not responsible for any demons you may invite into your lives by listening to this podcast. Any hauntings, spookings or phantasasmings that may occur post-listening are totally not my fault and are probably a coincidence…

Demon Captured in Photo! — How can you NOT see the demon in this photo?!?!

Ok, The Unexplained Mysteries Forum was an interesting place to read from. Why? Because there seem to be just as many rational people on the forum as there are kooks. So instead of the usual “Full Buy In” user who adamantly believes what most people are posting there seems to be a healthy amount of skepticism going on which made it fun to read, too.

As promised here are the haunted voice mails that are mentioned near the end of the podcast.

DID YOU SEE ME? This is the one where he claims that people when he wasn’t in the house himself saw an apparition. Then a voicemail was left saying “Did you see me?” SPOOKY!!! Or not…

There are too many to post on the blog but if you want to scare yourself bored please go ahead and listen to this nonsense that Para2011 posted on his Soundcloud page.

Thanks for listening! I hope you didn’t get too scared by the all the mysteries!

Lou Reads: Pokemon Vore Discussions from The Hungry Pokemon Forum

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First, I’d like to apologize about the opening part of this podcast. I should have described Hungry Pokemon as a forum for people who like talk about Pokemon Vore. Thats the main focus of the forum. Talking about Pokemon eating each other, eating people and sexual/eating encounters with them. They also discuss Pokemon generally but the main thrust of their focus is Vore. For this I apologize!

Screen-Shot-2012-01-06-at-4.21 — This is a Pokemon that has been eaten and is enjoying being crushed inside the monster that ate it. Totally normal.

Anyway, I hope that you enjoy this episode! More soon! Happy new year!

Lou Reads: AskReddit: Whats Your Most IRL Porn Story?

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Menage-a-trois — Hello, Ladies. It's Boner Time!

Thanks to the over-sharing members of the mighty Reddit for sharing their stories in this thread in AskReddit. I would like toÂ commission a study on the apparent high frequency ofÂ Â three-way sexual encounters and internet use. Are young people having more three-way sex because of the internet? Are internet users more likely to have menage-a-trois? Will they let me watch them? Don’t worry. This is all on the up and up. You know… for science… Yes… Thats why I want to know about it… for science…

I’ll say that I’ve only been in one of these porn like situations once or twice. Sadly, none of them ever came to fruition. One time, I had 2 sisters let me choose between which one I wanted to go to sleep with. I ened up choosing neither because I am a loser… I’m so sad now. I’m a good person… when do I get my IRL porn situation… This world is unfair…

I hope you enjoy this episode of Lou Reads the Internet for YOU! Please tell everyone you know about it!

Lou Reads Service Industry Complaints from IGOTSTIFFED.COM

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Waiting tables… sucks. I’ve never done it but I have friends and loved ones who have made the food industry their careers. I’m sure if you’ve worked in a restaurant you’ll relate to these true submitted tales from the people who take your order every day. These particular tales come from the website called

igotstiffed.com

igotstiffed-fansign2 — Tip your server, people... sheesh...

I didn’t mean for this episode to get totally taken over by this whole race issue but wow! There is a lot of comments on this topic. I barely scratched the surface!

EXTRASODE! Originally I was going to read from this Pissed Off Waiters thread from Tribe.net but it was basically dead. I did managed to find some fun stuff to read from it. ENJOY!
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Finally, the new Magnets have shipped! Order now!!!

LOU READS 3rd ANNUAL HOLIDAY OFFER IS BACK!

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Hey there guys. It’s that time again. If you’re looking for a stupid gift for someone (including your stupid self) do I have an offer for you! Once again I am offering to read something for you, yes YOU, for the low sum of $5 in paypal monies. Need a new voicemail for your smartphone? I can make it! Need a new recording on your outgoing answering machine? Tell me the number and how to make a remote recording (yes, you can do that. Find the manual!) and I’ll do it! Just want a sound file of me saying you’re a pretty fucking amazing person you can play for your co-workers when you feel like pissing them off? No problem. Just drop me an email at loureads AT THE GMAIL!

Here are some examples of recordings I’ve made in the past. Please note: I’ve gotten a lot better at audio production so the audio will sound better than these.

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