Category: True Stories

Lou Reads: Stories of Awkward Sex Times (NSFW)

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I can't believe that condom was still inside me...

You’re probably like, “Why you gotta do another sex podcast, you pervert.” Look, I am old. So fucking old. I am living vicariously through you good people and all your fucky sucky stories. Even the ones where things go terribly wrong. At least then I come out a winner because even though I am not having sex* at least it isn’t the terrible awkward kind these people are having. Once again I’m delving into the wonderful world of the Something Awful forums to share what they have shared with the world. As always, the Goons spin some of the best yarns around! Won’t you please enjoy the Stories of Awkward Sexual Encounters.

*Authors note: I have had sex recently. It was not awkward.

** Double Authors note: Also, I was just listening to this podcast at work and discovered that people tend not to like hearing about sex in general, in public. Oh society, when will you catch up with me? Get crackalackin!

Lou Reads: The Dick List

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Thats right! I am yelling because I am a Dick!

Oh Ladies. I am so sorry you have to put up with us horrid and flawed man-creatures. For too long there was no where outside of coffee klatch or lesbian book store that women could go to complain about men in a widely available manner.

Well, back in the early days of the inter-web-tubes one woman realized that she could use the internet to fashion her rage at men into a sharp pokey-poking stick to jab at men and reveal them for the dicks there are. Thus was born “The Dick List” and I stumbled upon it back in the early 2000’s. I was just reminded of it by a comment here at Lou Reads and I decided to go back and see if it was still around. Alas, it had been lost to the internet sands of time. Struck down by the cruel reality of domain registration lapses. Luckily archive.org still had some of the hilarious complaints stored. I barely scratched the surface! Won’t you please enjoy Lou Reads: THE DICK LIST.

Lou Reads: Steady Health Forums. How Body Werks?

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Dear people. Please pay attention when you are in school. Especially when you are in sex education class! For the love of god don’t just giggle and guffaw through it or you might end up like these poor people. As you will soon hear these fools are busy at work asking the internet things they should have learned in school or asked a doctor about.

Moron
Pay attention in School

Some of these questions aren’t stupid but odd. What I found most amazing was the amount of people claiming to have the exact same issues. What are the chances that you’ll find 15 women who recently had abortions who want to talk about it on a random health forum. Well one thing is for sure. The women at SteadyHealth.com are easy and won’t make you wear a condom.

Won’t you please enjoy LOU READS THE STEADY HEALTH FORUMS.

Lou Reads excerpts from a Graffiti forum.

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Yo, Player! Yo, check it out. We gonna go do that crime tonight? You know the one with the spray paint? You know the one where other people within our specific subculture will notice our markings, potentially recognize them and appreciate or hate on them where as the rest of society will frown upon them? Yes, we’re going out to do graffiti paintings on stuff. That is what I am talking about!

Rocking the 1987 Stylez Yo!
From back in time comes the Hopeless Wackness

Oh, boy I hope that you don’t think talk about graffiti is boring because thats what this weeks podcast is all about! Thats right, jerks from all over the world sharing their love of doing “art” on public and private property alike. Now before you think I am being an ass about the subject know this: I was fully immersed in this subculture in the mid 1980’s! The above video is actually me doing some graffiti in the 80’s for a bad video performance art class I was in at the time. My FAIL tag was 20 years ahead of FAILBLOG! Be sure to read the comments on that video. People DO NOT LIKE IT.

Anyway, won’t you please enjoy this podcast about Graffiti and how to do it and not get caught… or if you’re caught how to not talk to the cops…


Lou Reads: Stories of Shameful Hookups

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Who hasn’t been there? You go out and the opportunity presents itself for some quick boning. The circumstances and the person at hand aren’t perfect but you’re determined to bust a nut or get filled up (or whatever means sex for your type of body) so you go for it. Everything fine until you’re done and then your guilt based programing kicks in and you start to feel bad about it. Does this describe you? Hell yeah. Does it describe me? Hell no! Mainly because I was always clueless to when a girl liked me and was too busy dreaming of the day I would have stuff to make a podcast about. Okay, so you and I don’t have that much in common but you and these guys sure do. They’ve lived the deeds and feel okay enough with their deviant lustful acts to share them. Won’t you please join me know as we take a virtual walk of shame with these brave folks in the podcast known as “STORIES OF SHAMEFUL HOOKUPS!” Sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled.

And won’t you also enjoy the above music video by the sexy and talented lady known as Shayna Ferm. I know her from my sketch comedy and improv days. She’s a nice lady.

Lou Reads: Tales from the Drug War! Close Calls with the Law!

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OH SHIT! There’s cops behind us! What are we going to do? Quick, toss the weed! I can’t get busted in my dads car!

ALMOST GOT ME, COPPER!
ALMOST GOT ME, COPPER!

Ahhh close calls with the long arm of the law. They’re to be expected in the lives of those who choose to break societies rules. Stupid society always messing stuff up with it’s rules and stuff. This weeks podcast is a collection of stories with shared from the pages of the forums of International Cannagraphic Magazine’s forums. These tales are the true life stories of peoples encounters with the law in which they escaped unscathed (for the most part) from the long arm of Johnny Law. Many more people aren’t quite so lucky when it comes to these kinds of situations! They should probably read up with books like Busted!: Drug War Survival Skills and this guys Never Get Busted Again 1: Traffic Stops (2pc) DVD’s. Hey, it couldn’t hurt! Anyway, these are the stories of the lucky ones. The guys who don’t end up on Cops for having a pipe in their car. Not for lack of guilt, of course! Well lets hope that these kinds of stories are soon a thing of the past because they are the result of a ridiculously draconian drug war. Oops. I’m letting my opinions leak out again!

Won’t you please enjoy LOU READS: Tales from the Drug War. Almost Busted Stories.

Lou Reads: Stupid Questions from Yahoo Answers

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Hey, is it okay if I ask you a stupid question? No? Fine, I’ll just turn to the internet for the answer. Someone out there will know what this thing on my testicle is. Hrrmmm I could go to a medical site… Nah, I’ll just go and ask the brain trust of Yahoo Answers! Why? Because yahoo answers has a wonderful community of people who are apparently constantly looking for questions to answer.
Al Jaffe you are my hero

Do they have good answers? HELL NO! Why do people ask questions there when the answers tend to be so bad? WHO THE HELL KNOWS! It is a mystery! All I know is that if you type in almost any stupid and outlandish term into the search box you’ll almost always find a topic about it in there! Seriously. Using childish terms increases your chances of finding even worse questions.

People Are Stupid
People Are Stupid

Won’t you please enjoy Lou Reads: Yahoo Answers starting…. now….

Lou Reads: The Best of Craigslist Top 100

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When I think of the wonders of craigslist I usually think of this type of encounter:

Hey, you know how we agreed on that price I was going to pay for you guitar amp? Well, I’m kind of a little short. Do you mind if I give you less than we agreed because I am a faking asshole who is trying to cheat you at the last minute? Cool, I figured you just wanted to get rid of it bad enough to take whatever. Hardy har har. Bye, chump!

Well, lo and behold I have come across the greatness of the of the best of craigslist top 100. I don’t know how they come up with this list. Not that it’s unknowable, I just haven’t bothered to look it up. What I do know is that there is a lot of funny crap happening there. So won’t you please enjoy my reading of the Best of Craigslist!

LOU READS: The Best of Craigslist Top 100

Lou Reads: Stories of People Who Can’t Handle Their Weed

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Dudes and dudettes,

How many times have you had to have this conversation with your significant other?

“Oh man, I don’t want your cousin coming over tonight. Why? Because I just got some amazing weed and I want to try out this sweet new bubbler pipe thingy. Are you kidding me? No he can’t have some. Don’t you remember? He’s going to want to have some of this sticky-icky dank bud and you know he can’t handle his weed!”

I’m sorry if I am opening up old wounds. There is hardly anything worse than dealing with people who can’t handle their weed. It’s even worse than watching your dog get run over (This is my way of apologizing to you about that one time, mom). Okay, maybe watching something you love die is worse. But its definitely annoying to say the least to have someone who can’t handle their smoke start acting a fool and harshing your mellow.

Join me then, won’t you, as I regale you with tales of marijuana smoking sessions gone wrong. These true tales offered up once again by the lovely people of the internet for your listening pleasure.

STORIES OF PEOPLE WHO CAN’T HANDLE THEIR WEED: EDIT FIXED 8/3/09 – RE-FIXED 4/15/2011