Serious – Page 3 – Lou Reads the Internet for YOU!

Lou Reads: All About Marrying the Russian Girl of Your (Bad) Dreams

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A wise man once said, “To make a family in America you marry a woman. In Russia, WOMAN MARRIES YOU!”

Russian Skank! — Thank you for bring me your country. Now, how you say, I marry good Russian boy.

Man, its times like these when I am glad I married me an American lady. Sure, I know they are hard to deal with. What with their nagging and their “Why do you spend all your time doing that podcast for no money?” and their “stop cursing in front of my mom” and their “I can’t breathe when you stand on my windpipe.” Its not all wine and roses. But at least its not what these guys have going on. These guys want anything but an American girl. I’d say they want someone who they imagine isn’t corrupted by the temptations of the West. Little do they realize that they aren’t corrupted because they aren’t here yet! I mean if they think meeting American hot babes is hard at least they aren’t traveling around the globe to a meet a chick who barely speaks English. THAT sounds hard. But whatever. Just listen to the podcast already, tovarich. Dasvidaniya!

Russian-Bride-Book — Now you too can waste all your time pursuing fruitless long distance relationships!

Dearest Lou Readers: Gone Fishin’

Hey Lou Reads Fans, Listeners and General Lay-Abouts,

Sorry for not posting this earlier but I’m on vacation! I’m resting the golden pipes of internet horror for another week but I’ll be back at it next week. I started recording a podcast about services that arrange meet-ups between lonely American losers and Russian black-widows who want to come to the US so they can claim domestic abuse, leave their American loser and then marry a proper Russian guy like momma wanted. Its REALLY DEPRESSING! I may shelve that to do one about how awesome sex on Crystal Meth. Thats if I can stop having amazing meth-fueled sex…. I am raw!

In the meantime check out this band. They were nice enough to send me a praise-filled email asking to include part of one of my podcasts on their CD. I said “I guess…” and here is the result. FUR by Eat Babies?.

Now I please excuse me while I go back to the beach to be cooled with a palm frond by my Russian bride. What? Oh, she got that black eye from falling on a door knob. Don’t forget to send me your suggestions for stupid things to read!

Yours truly,
Lou (Reads)

P1000021a — Pre-Vacation Photo. Note the Stress...

Lou Reads: OFEAR.com the Phobia Forum

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Its time to look deep inside yourself and think about what terrifies you. Not rational fears like death or loss of your job. Things that terrify youÂ irrationally. Well if you are a’fear’d of anything irrationally and need a place to see if you’re not alone then ofear is the place for you.

kumpounophobia — I also fear my fingers getting stuck into my face!

Without further delay I present to you the ofear.com forum read from Lou Reads. If you are afraid of listening to the podcast I recommend you go to ofear to see if there is such a thing as Podcastophobia.

Lou Reads: The Poop Report Forums. The Scoop about Poop!

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So it has come to this. An actual website dedicated to talking about poop. Sure, people have issues with their poop. It’s a dirty shameful business. But the levels of hang-ups people have with their pooping is pretty out there. Believe me, I’ve seen it all working at a university. I’ve even ecountered people who actually do some of these things discussed in this weeks podcast. See if you can’t figure out which one matches this picture that I actually made for the bathroom on my floor.

worktoilet — This is the tip of the nastiness iceberg at my job

At least the person who smears poop all over the stall only struck once. There really isn’t much to say about this site except to acknowledge that there are some severely damaged people in this world. And this week their damage is all about the poopin’ and the fartin’! Enjoy listening to your poop chat from Poop Report dot com.

Sorry friends, I’ve been sick.

Sorry for the delay in podcastings. I’ve been saddled with some crazy upper respiratory bug for a goll-durn week. To top it off it was my birthday this weekend. Perhaps unwisely I managed to have a party with the help of codeine cough syrup (yes prescribed) and Â sudafed. I returned to work this morning and got hit with some shitty fever and more coughing so I’m going home. So this has precluded my recording and editing. I did record something last night as a test. It is comically ill sounding. I will probably post it anyway.

Sick boy with a paige boy cut. Sexy. — I shouldn't have licked that tramp on a bet.

Stay tuned, though. Because I ordered some stuff to give away from Vista Print. I’ll put details about how to get your grub net paws on this stuff in the next podcast. If you have suggestions for other things I might give away feel free to comment on this post or on the facebook fan page.

Lou Reads: Puking and Burning and Dumbness

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Oh man there is nothing more disgusting than a fat bitch. Am I right? I mean seriously guys, you’re with me on this one, right? I can’t stand these “regular” chicks saying how fat they are. Shut the fuck up and do something about it! These super sexy people have it all figured out! Thats right, I’m talking about Anorexics and Bulimics. Why don’t you follow what these chicks are doing and join the ranks of the super sexy! Like this hotness! HUBBA HUBBA ZERO BLUBBA!

Oh I know what you’re going to say. “Oh Lou, these people have a problem!” Yeah they do. Its turning down dates!!!

Who isn’t going to ask for that the number of someone that hot!? Thats what I thought. Thanks for being honest! Another nice thing about dating these super hot skeleton ladies is that they usually have friends who are into Self Mutilation. As long as you don’t invest yourself emotionally with these chicks it can be a hell of a ride! Oh and if you’re interested in following in the footsteps of this babe I’m including this handy diet chart for you. Learn it, live it, LOVE IT!

Won’t you join me now as I fill your Christmas ears with tales of people who are dying to be thin and hurt themselves to remember what it’s like to feel. Because if there is one constant truth in this world its that people are super duper crazy and I like to read about it.

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO LISTENS AND HAS MADE LOU READS SO FUN TO DO!

Also, just in case you’re wondering the music for this episode came from the Something Awful Goon’s Xmas Album. You can find the whole thing for free here.

Lou Reads: Excerpts from the Our GOP forums

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Oh my gorb! Obamer is going to do something crazy to the werld! His supreme court nomination wants to perform abortions in your living room with a bald eagle beak! Obama wants to change the nation currency to condom, just like Euro-town! Nancy Pelosi is 400 year old alien that needs stemcells to live! Obama and the Democ-rats are are considering making everyone take a shit at the same time. FIGHT THE SOCIALIST NATIONAL POOP CLOCK!

Alright, I may be exaggerating what you’re about to hear a little. The GOP forum is pretty boring but is there is also the special kind of crazy there that gives me the jibblies! While there is a WHOLE LOT of heart felt totally crackers nut jobs on this forum there are most certainly a fair number of rational voices in the weeds. Too bad they’re out numbered by the nuts. You can tell a nut by the number of youtube links and obscure articles they post to prove their point. Asking someone to watch 5 links that you feel prove your point is kind of unreasonable IMHO. And as we are now well aware, my HO is pretty much always the right O. Not so humble an O after all, I suppose. Anyway, on to the stupidity. In the name of fairness, if you you can find me an equally unhinged Democrat forum I’ll be happy to betray my loyalty in the name of some chuckles.

Won’t you please enjoy Lou Reads: The Our GOP Forum.

Lou Reads: Stupid Questions from Yahoo Answers

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Hey, is it okay if I ask you a stupid question? No? Fine, I’ll just turn to the internet for the answer. Someone out there will know what this thing on my testicle is. Hrrmmm I could go to a medical site… Nah, I’ll just go and ask the brain trust of Yahoo Answers! Why? Because yahoo answers has a wonderful community of people who are apparently constantly looking for questions to answer.
Al Jaffe you are my hero

Do they have good answers? HELL NO! Why do people ask questions there when the answers tend to be so bad? WHO THE HELL KNOWS! It is a mystery! All I know is that if you type in almost any stupid and outlandish term into the search box you’ll almost always find a topic about it in there! Seriously. Using childish terms increases your chances of finding even worse questions.

Won’t you please enjoy Lou Reads: Yahoo Answers starting…. now….

Sorry for the Delay in Disturbing Hilarity

Hello friends. I’m sorry about the continued delay in amusing offerings. I just bought a new fancy-shmancy microphone and it came with ProTools. I’ve been trying to learn how to use it just to do my simple stuff but ProTools hates me to pieces. Every time I sit down to try it out I end up walking away because of some technical difficulty that makes no sense. Now I’m sure all you protools masters out there will say “of course your issue makes sense. You forgot to flip on the jimjam meter when you deviated from the dipdorp conundrum.” Well to you I say “ProTools LE shouldn’t be so insanely complicated. They should have a novice default layout for itself.” For the time being I am going to try to just record some little dumb things Â to hold you over. Don’t you quit on me!!! Not after all we’ve been through.

Also, if you know a forum I should be reading out-loud into the Â microphone for the people then by all means shoot me a comment or something at kinglou AT the gmails. Me want to hear you long time.

In the meantime may I recommend the following podcasts to fill your days.

The Flophouse, The Comedy Nerds, Jordan Jesse GO! andÂ Comedy Death Ray (will launch iTunes). You will enjoy these in my absence and I will return so very soon! Look for me in the East at the Third Moon! (thats my favorite gay bar.)

Lou Reads: A Thread about Your Legal Rights

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Hey there, are you a careless drug user? Do you wake and bake then drive and bake and then work and bake then just bake? Well if you’re a constant drug enthusiast then chances are at some point in the near future you will get into a legal situation for which you are unprepared. Well then, this is the episode of Lou Reads for you! Put those headphones on, light up a fatty and learn something that will blow your mind!!! It doesn’t hurt to throw on a barrister’s wig and maybe cue some episodes of Cops, too.

As the podcast will tell you this podcast is not a binding legal contract and the advice given there in is not necessarily 100% accurate for the area you live in. So I don’t want to get any emails where you claim I told you to sass some PoPo and ended up in cooler. Hellz naw! This is just to inform you of things you may not have known about your rights. I hope you enjoy it. If you don’t there really isn’t much you or I can do it Â about it. I mean it’s already been made…. can’t go back in time. Oh how I wish I could….

Alight, enough jibber jabber. Listen to the podcast already!