Non-Offensive – Page 3 – Lou Reads the Internet for YOU!

Lou Reads: The Avatar Forum

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Kaltxi Ayeylanur oeyÃ¤! Let me tell you, it was harder than mounting my first Ikran to get through this episodes forum. At least with the Ikran you know its either going to work or you’re going to die. With the Avatar Forum I often wished I would die and yet did not. Both feats took amazing force of will so, you know… I got that going for me. Plus I got me a Ikran bird-dragon to ride… which is nice.

Who doesn't want to have sex with this? LIAR!

Seriously though, when is the last time a movie was so amazing that it made people so crazy they were depressed they couldn’t live on the fake planet in it. It wasn’t Planet 51, I can assure you. Anyway, these people love Avatar. They love it hard and long. If they spent 1/4 of that energy working on the planet they live on instead of wishing they were blue or having sex with a blue person (I get kinda depressed sometimes. Does that count for blue?) … well you get the idea.

This gives me a Space Boner!

You probably didn’t read this far… sigh. But if you did… THANKS! Without further ado won’t you please enjoy THE AVATAR FORUM

Sorry for the Delay in Disturbing Hilarity

Hello friends. I’m sorry about the continued delay in amusing offerings. I just bought a new fancy-shmancy microphone and it came with ProTools. I’ve been trying to learn how to use it just to do my simple stuff but ProTools hates me to pieces. Every time I sit down to try it out I end up walking away because of some technical difficulty that makes no sense. Now I’m sure all you protools masters out there will say “of course your issue makes sense. You forgot to flip on the jimjam meter when you deviated from the dipdorp conundrum.” Well to you I say “ProTools LE shouldn’t be so insanely complicated. They should have a novice default layout for itself.” For the time being I am going to try to just record some little dumb things Â to hold you over. Don’t you quit on me!!! Not after all we’ve been through.

Also, if you know a forum I should be reading out-loud into the Â microphone for the people then by all means shoot me a comment or something at kinglou AT the gmails. Me want to hear you long time.

In the meantime may I recommend the following podcasts to fill your days.

The Flophouse, The Comedy Nerds, Jordan Jesse GO! andÂ Comedy Death Ray (will launch iTunes). You will enjoy these in my absence and I will return so very soon! Look for me in the East at the Third Moon! (thats my favorite gay bar.)

Lou Reads: A Thread about Your Legal Rights

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Hey there, are you a careless drug user? Do you wake and bake then drive and bake and then work and bake then just bake? Well if you’re a constant drug enthusiast then chances are at some point in the near future you will get into a legal situation for which you are unprepared. Well then, this is the episode of Lou Reads for you! Put those headphones on, light up a fatty and learn something that will blow your mind!!! It doesn’t hurt to throw on a barrister’s wig and maybe cue some episodes of Cops, too.

As the podcast will tell you this podcast is not a binding legal contract and the advice given there in is not necessarily 100% accurate for the area you live in. So I don’t want to get any emails where you claim I told you to sass some PoPo and ended up in cooler. Hellz naw! This is just to inform you of things you may not have known about your rights. I hope you enjoy it. If you don’t there really isn’t much you or I can do it Â about it. I mean it’s already been made…. can’t go back in time. Oh how I wish I could….

Alight, enough jibber jabber. Listen to the podcast already!

Lou Reads: Lucky Mojo Forums – Hoodoo Voodoo and a Hocus Pocus!

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Hello! Oh my, well it has been some time since we sat together, you and I. Yes. Now, lets see. Where were we? Oh yes, I remember now. I was reading the internet to you. Yes, yes. It’s all coming back.

This week we visit the loving and caring internet playground of the world of root work, conjuring and wish craft known as The Lucky Mojo Forum. This forum is the offshoot of the Lucky Mojo shop which is a real place in California somewhere and a virtual place in cyber-town. Here forum members can talk about the products for sale and ask advice about how to cast a spell or make a potion. I had to look up a lot of the terminology of the Mojo because who the hell knows what Â Nation Sack is? Well its a kind of Mojobag…

A Nation Sack or Mojo Bag... or RED bag...

Anyway, these people love to share their ideas about how craft spells and tricking people into eating menstrual blood. It’s all great fun, you see. Not at all retarded…

Won’t you please enjoy LOU READS: LUCKY MOJO FORUM

Lou Reads: One Star Reviews of Classic Books

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“I can’t believe we have to read all these books over the summer!” If you were like me you said this every single summer after the the summer where books with drawings in them were no longer allowed to count for your book total. Stupid books without drawings in them what with all their words and not drawings in them. Am I expected to imagine what things look like in my mind without the short cut of someone else’s author approved interpretation in illustration form? OH MAN! I am getting heated! These people are also heated. They are all fired up about some classic novels and had to share how much they didn’t like them. ONE STAR! To get you to bother to write a crazy one star review on Amazon you need to really get a person angry. These dead authors should be proud of the hornets nest their words whacked into a frenzy.

I hope you won’t give this podcast episode one star… there really isn’t a reason to do so… unless you’re some kind of jerk on the internet…

LOU READS: One Star Reviews of Classic Books

Mini Lou Reads: The Commercial I Did

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Hello, friends. This is a commercial I did a scratch VO for. That means I worked at a place and they asked me to record a track for timing. In theory later they’d hire someone to do the “Professional” voice over and pay that person a lot of money to do so. Well they decided to just air what I made and not pay me anything. I tried to get my boss to ask them for money but he didn’t want to rock the boat with the client. The spot ran every morning on the Today Show for like 2 weeks. Then suddenly it started popping up with someone else’s voice track. Then it was gone.

JAMES PATTERSON OWES ME MONEY!

Lou Reads about Bad Restaurant Experiences

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Chances are if you’ve eaten out at a restaurant you have had an awesome meal at least once. The kind of meal where everything comes together. Really delicious and not oversized appiteazer, savory main course and a lovely desert that you can share with your beloved. Of course this meal also ends in hot sex. But we all know that never happens… to anyone. Please don’t shatter my fantasy that this doesn’t happen… Anyway, these people were nice enough to share their more realistic tales of negative experiences at the local grub hole and I was nice enough to read it for you. So please enjoy!

Bad Restaurant Experiences