Funny Stories – Page 6 – Lou Reads the Internet for YOU!

Lou Reads: Some Crystal Meth Fun from The Drugs-Forum

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Hey Guys! What? You’ll have to excuse me. I’ve been up for a week. What? Oh yeah, I got a hold of some really great Crystal Meth. What? No… Its not addictive! Whatever! I can quit whenever I run out and can’t find anyone to rob or have sex with for money. So… do you want to have sex for money? Okay, okay. No need to get all angry about it. Sheesh! Okay… what if I do a podcast about Crystal Meth and all the really great ways to have sex or re-use your urine while on it? Okay! Now we’re talking! Well you’re in luck because I already did a podcast about just that very thing from the forums at Drugs-Forum. Its actually a very informative forum as well as being a great source for unintended hilariousness. So won’t you please enjoy Lou Reads Some Crystal Meth Fun from The Drugs Forum!

This is not a picture of me…

Lou Reads: Tales of Being Bullied from Ebaum Nation Forums

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bully — This is the mating call of the Bully.

What are you looking at? Yeah, I’m talking you. You reading this. I said “What the fuck are you listening to??” Oh, wait… the first time I said looking at… Sorry… its just that I used to be a Bully. But now I seek help with my issue by going to forums and reading about how my victims growing up lament the experience. I had assumed that it was a co-dependent experience not just a one sided sado-masochistic display of violence. And I gotta tell you it turns me on… Well, I said I’m working on it. Anyway, this weeks podcast is comprised solely of tales of teen woe and bullying from the members of Ebaum Nation Forum. I hope you find it entertaining. I know reading it made me laugh!

bully-cartoon — Don't Attract The Bullies Attention. Let Her Take the Damage...

Won’t you please enjoy the latest episode of Lou Reads the Internet for YOU! Episode 52: Tales of Being Bullied.

Lou Reads: The Sneeze Fetish Forum

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Have you ever heard someone sneeze and gotten totally turned on? How about you heard someone with a stuffed up nose trying to talk and gotten super aroused by it?

sex-sneeze — I need two hankies! One for my nose and the other....

No? Well, then you’re a normal person who is not at all very weird at least in the whole sneeze fetish sense. You may be an absolute weirdo about something else.. Look I’m not judging you. That is unless you’re already a member of this forum and thats because these people are very weird and the thats because they are sneeze fetishists. They proudly wave their freak flags in the safe haven of the appropriately named Sneeze Fetish Forum. If you don’t get what they are into you’re just beingÂ obstinate.Â Now one thing I found really interesting in the posts I read was that no one on this stupid forum ever talks about actual sex. Just that they love sneezes and get all frustrated or how they are going to explode. Where is the release, people? Anyway, you may not believe your ears when you hear the absurdity of this podcast. But it takes all kinds I guess… Just be aware that the next time you sneeze someone nearby may just be getting a boner (or explode-y) Â because of it….

presneezeface — What a sneeze slut! She's asking for it! (it being a tissue)

Won’t you please enjoy Lou Reads The Sneeze Fetish Forums!

Lou Reads: The Poop Report Forums. The Scoop about Poop!

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So it has come to this. An actual website dedicated to talking about poop. Sure, people have issues with their poop. It’s a dirty shameful business. But the levels of hang-ups people have with their pooping is pretty out there. Believe me, I’ve seen it all working at a university. I’ve even ecountered people who actually do some of these things discussed in this weeks podcast. See if you can’t figure out which one matches this picture that I actually made for the bathroom on my floor.

worktoilet — This is the tip of the nastiness iceberg at my job

At least the person who smears poop all over the stall only struck once. There really isn’t much to say about this site except to acknowledge that there are some severely damaged people in this world. And this week their damage is all about the poopin’ and the fartin’! Enjoy listening to your poop chat from Poop Report dot com.

Lou Reads: Stories of Awkward Sex Times (NSFW)

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15-276x300 — I can't believe that condom was still inside me...

You’re probably like, “Why you gotta do another sex podcast, you pervert.” Look, I am old. So fucking old. I am living vicariously through you good people and all your fucky sucky stories. Even the ones where things go terribly wrong. At least then I come out a winner because even though I am not having sex* at least it isn’t the terrible awkward kind these people are having. Once again I’m delving into the wonderful world of the Something Awful forums to share what they have shared with the world. As always, the Goons spin some of the best yarns around! Won’t you please enjoy the Stories of Awkward Sexual Encounters.

*Authors note: I have had sex recently. It was not awkward.

** Double Authors note: Also, I was just listening to this podcast at work and discovered that people tend not to like hearing about sex in general, in public. Oh society, when will you catch up with me? Get crackalackin!

Lou Reads: Witch Forums. Spirit Attacks and Ouija Boards, OH MY!

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So you wanted another podcast even though I’ve been sick? So Mote it Be! This week I delved into the wonderful world of Â Witchcraft at WitchForum.Net. This is another of the fabulous forum featuring people who happen to actually appear to believe they are doing magic. Luckily we are spared the bloody mess of the Lucky Mojo Forums read. But that doesn’t mean it gets any less stupid.

Disney must not sue! — Boil boil toil and... this is going to taste terrible.

In high school my girlfriend was into Wicca and being the asshole I was back then I never missed a chance to mock and scorn it. Later in life I felt regret for being as asshole about the whole thing. After reading this forum I don’t quite feel so bad anymore. These people are nuts! Through her Wicca connections I met a another Wiccan kid in high school who proudly claimed he gave one of the guys in Duran Duran a blowjob so you know that magic works! Well, if you’re ready to listen to the podcast then cast a protection circle around your headphones and imagine your sanity in an orange aura of serenity. You’re gonna need it!

halloweenwitch — Na Na Na Na Na BAT WITCH!

ALSO! Listen all the way to the end of the podcast to hear the details of how to get my Lou Reads special give away! What is it? ITS A MAGNET THAT LOOKS LIKE THIS!!! OMGWTFBBQ!!!

Lou Reads Magnet — Try not to hurt yourself running to get one!

Won’t you please enjoy Lou Reads the forums of WitchForum.net

Lou Reads: The Dick List

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The Dick List — Thats right! I am yelling because I am a Dick!

Oh Ladies. I am so sorry you have to put up with us horrid and flawed man-creatures. For too long there was no where outside of coffee klatch or lesbian book store that women could go to complain about men in a widely available manner.

Well, back in the early days of the inter-web-tubes one woman realized that she could use the internet to fashion her rage at men into a sharp pokey-poking stick to jab at men and reveal them for the dicks there are. Thus was born “The Dick List” and I stumbled upon it back in the early 2000’s. I was just reminded of it by a comment here at Lou Reads and I decided to go back and see if it was still around. Alas, it had been lost to the internet sands of time. Struck down by the cruel reality of domain registration lapses. Luckily archive.org still had some of the hilarious complaints stored. I barely scratched the surface! Won’t you please enjoy Lou Reads: THE DICK LIST.

Lou Reads: Drug Trip Reports from Bluelight

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I love when people share their stories with me. Thats why I love the interwebs. It’s all people sharing all the time! Well this episode I’m revisiting some of my favorite kinds of sharing! I love when people talk about their drug experiences. Good or bad I think what people experience in their altered states is hilarious. I mean who can’t relate, right? You’re probably on drugs right now you dirty hippy. Anyway, I love drug trip stories. They are part confession, part bragging and part warning all in one. If someone tells you a story about having a close call with a drug they may really be warning you not to do it but in their heads they are shining their knuckles on their lapels and checking their nails. They are head-space explorers, you pissant!

drug_trip — I love me some drug trip reports

Lou Reads in no way condones all this illegal drug use. You should definitely not do drugs around Lou. Specifically do not say Crack or Freebase…. unless you got some…

Lou Reads: The Daily Diaper! A Place for Adult Babies.

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What is there to say about adults that like to dress up like babies and poop and pee in their diapers? Besides shunning them and calling them on their twisted shit? Not much really. I mean these people are seriously damaged. They crave a simpler time. And somehow this time is directly tied to being able to take a shit in their pants.

I don’t blame you if you’ve already closed the window. Why this is a simpler time I don’t know. I mean it harkens back to when someone had to take care of you but somehow dressing like a baby doesn’t seem like a stress reliever to me. Nor does filling my pants with waste. Oh, I’m sure it’s MUCH deeper than that for these poor souls. Or maybe not…. This particular fetish is one I find super stupid. It combines play acting, effort and just so much nonsense that I can’t even entertain it. Yes, I am judging you, freaks. Wahhhhh.

Without any more delay won’t you please enjoy the grand stupidity known as the forums at the Daily Diaper. GAGA GOO GOO!!! WAH WAH!!!

Lou Reads: Puking and Burning and Dumbness

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Oh man there is nothing more disgusting than a fat bitch. Am I right? I mean seriously guys, you’re with me on this one, right? I can’t stand these “regular” chicks saying how fat they are. Shut the fuck up and do something about it! These super sexy people have it all figured out! Thats right, I’m talking about Anorexics and Bulimics. Why don’t you follow what these chicks are doing and join the ranks of the super sexy! Like this hotness! HUBBA HUBBA ZERO BLUBBA!

Oh I know what you’re going to say. “Oh Lou, these people have a problem!” Yeah they do. Its turning down dates!!!

Who isn’t going to ask for that the number of someone that hot!? Thats what I thought. Thanks for being honest! Another nice thing about dating these super hot skeleton ladies is that they usually have friends who are into Self Mutilation. As long as you don’t invest yourself emotionally with these chicks it can be a hell of a ride! Oh and if you’re interested in following in the footsteps of this babe I’m including this handy diet chart for you. Learn it, live it, LOVE IT!

Won’t you join me now as I fill your Christmas ears with tales of people who are dying to be thin and hurt themselves to remember what it’s like to feel. Because if there is one constant truth in this world its that people are super duper crazy and I like to read about it.

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO LISTENS AND HAS MADE LOU READS SO FUN TO DO!

Also, just in case you’re wondering the music for this episode came from the Something Awful Goon’s Xmas Album. You can find the whole thing for free here.