Lou Reads the Internet for YOU! – Page 21 – Giving Voice to the Things You Didn't Want to Hear About

Sorry for the Delay in Disturbing Hilarity

Hello friends. I’m sorry about the continued delay in amusing offerings. I just bought a new fancy-shmancy microphone and it came with ProTools. I’ve been trying to learn how to use it just to do my simple stuff but ProTools hates me to pieces. Every time I sit down to try it out I end up walking away because of some technical difficulty that makes no sense. Now I’m sure all you protools masters out there will say “of course your issue makes sense. You forgot to flip on the jimjam meter when you deviated from the dipdorp conundrum.” Well to you I say “ProTools LE shouldn’t be so insanely complicated. They should have a novice default layout for itself.” For the time being I am going to try to just record some little dumb things Â to hold you over. Don’t you quit on me!!! Not after all we’ve been through.

Also, if you know a forum I should be reading out-loud into the Â microphone for the people then by all means shoot me a comment or something at kinglou AT the gmails. Me want to hear you long time.

In the meantime may I recommend the following podcasts to fill your days.

The Flophouse, The Comedy Nerds, Jordan Jesse GO! andÂ Comedy Death Ray (will launch iTunes). You will enjoy these in my absence and I will return so very soon! Look for me in the East at the Third Moon! (thats my favorite gay bar.)

Lou Reads: A Thread about Your Legal Rights

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Hey there, are you a careless drug user? Do you wake and bake then drive and bake and then work and bake then just bake? Well if you’re a constant drug enthusiast then chances are at some point in the near future you will get into a legal situation for which you are unprepared. Well then, this is the episode of Lou Reads for you! Put those headphones on, light up a fatty and learn something that will blow your mind!!! It doesn’t hurt to throw on a barrister’s wig and maybe cue some episodes of Cops, too.

As the podcast will tell you this podcast is not a binding legal contract and the advice given there in is not necessarily 100% accurate for the area you live in. So I don’t want to get any emails where you claim I told you to sass some PoPo and ended up in cooler. Hellz naw! This is just to inform you of things you may not have known about your rights. I hope you enjoy it. If you don’t there really isn’t much you or I can do it Â about it. I mean it’s already been made…. can’t go back in time. Oh how I wish I could….

Alight, enough jibber jabber. Listen to the podcast already!

Lou Reads: Zoo Tube 365 forum. Yup, More Bestiality… YUCK!

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You know, having the number one rated reading disgusting things from the internet for you podcast I get a lot of good suggestions for things to read for you. Well, let me correct that. I get a lot of really not so good suggestions. However, every once in a while I get a real treat. My online friend, whom I only know from chatting with, sent me a link to a real gem. He knew I would enjoy it and I did. What he sent me was a link to the forum at ZooTube365.com. Now, you shouldn’t go there. It’s a hardcore bestiality porn site. Who knew that porn sites had forums? Not me! Anyway, I shared it with Something Awful and we did a weekend web about the forum a few weeks ago. Oh what fun was had! Okay, it wasn’t fun at all. It was actually really revolting and sad. Remember, things can’t be unseen! MY EYES!!!!

Well, with that kind of a lead in how could you not listen! Won’t you please join me as I read for you the depths of the horrors of the forums at ZooTube365. If you make it to the end please be sure to do something nice for yourself. You’ll have earned it.

sad

Lou Reads: Advice for New Heroin Users from Drugs-Forum

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Hey there, Little Junkie! Why aren’t you a cute fella! Whats that you say? You’re looking to score more smack? Ain’t that a might too soon? You was just coming ’round here yesterday. Oh I see. Yer a hurtin’ for some of my sweet skagg. Why I remember when you were just a chippie. Looks like you gotcher’self a full blown habit now, boy. Well, now that you’re a full-time citizen of H-town I think its about time I learned ya on how to traverse this territory without getting burned by other junky douche-bags. So grab a seat and open your stinking ear, laddy. A podcast on that very subject is about… to BEGIN!!!!

Hey Lou Reads Army (LRA T-Shirts are not on order… yet) put those headphones on and rush on over to get yourselves a lovely helping of advice for noob junkies. I know, you thought that heroin addicts were just really cool guys who know how to party by tapping into a dream-like state of bliss and didn’t bother anyone. Well as it turns out there is a DOWN SIDE to all this heroin. WHO KNEW?!?! Well luckily some guys on this forum decided to make a nice little guide on how not to get ripped off in the work of Junk.

PLEASE ENJOY: Lou Reads: Advice for New Heroin Users

Lou Reads: Lucky Mojo Forums – Hoodoo Voodoo and a Hocus Pocus!

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Hello! Oh my, well it has been some time since we sat together, you and I. Yes. Now, lets see. Where were we? Oh yes, I remember now. I was reading the internet to you. Yes, yes. It’s all coming back.

This week we visit the loving and caring internet playground of the world of root work, conjuring and wish craft known as The Lucky Mojo Forum. This forum is the offshoot of the Lucky Mojo shop which is a real place in California somewhere and a virtual place in cyber-town. Here forum members can talk about the products for sale and ask advice about how to cast a spell or make a potion. I had to look up a lot of the terminology of the Mojo because who the hell knows what Â Nation Sack is? Well its a kind of Mojobag…

A Nation Sack or Mojo Bag... or RED bag...

Anyway, these people love to share their ideas about how craft spells and tricking people into eating menstrual blood. It’s all great fun, you see. Not at all retarded…

Won’t you please enjoy LOU READS: LUCKY MOJO FORUM

I’m not dead!

Hello friends. I don’t care if you don’t think we are. I think we are and that distinction makes all the difference. Just wanted to let you know that I’m not dead. I didn’t forget to read the internet for you. I am on vacation! I actually just survived the awesomeness of Â hurricane Bill. Here is a pic of the ocean surge pushing up the steps of our vacation home at high tide. Normally its about 50-60 feet away!!!

I also go hired to do some voice-over work while I was on my vacation. Luckily I had my mic. Sadly I have another job to edit on my vacation so no new Lou Reads until I am back in the grind in NYC. In the meantime please enjoy this classic video made by my friends Rob and Sam. I play a drug dealer in this video they made before they moved to LA and broke my heart.

When I get back I’ll be reading more delightful bestiality forums and a forum I recently discovered which deals with how to cast a love spell on a person with a candle!
Later,Lou

Lou Reads: Stormfront.org (Racism but boring)

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Come on. You can’t deny getting a thrill when you thrust that fist into the air and give a throaty yell in the name of all that is good and white and Hitler-y. Yes, thats right. Give into the power of the white side! Why if I wasn’t partially of the mud races who knows. I might be a grand wizard or imperial cyclops by now…

Anyway, this week I decided to make up for being late with my podcast by making it extra long and extra dumb. You probably haven’t thought about the trouble true whites have with the concerns of teaching young whites to be concerned about race-mixing or about how hard it is to recruit people to the cause of White National Pride! After this podcast you might even feel sorry for the next skinhead you see. Be sure to give him a pat and tell him its all going to be okay.

Then go get a toxic flu vaccine you dirty subhuman illegal!

Please enjoy Lou Reads: Stormfront.org.

Lou Reads: The Best of Craigslist Top 100

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When I think of the wonders of craigslist I usually think of this type of encounter:

Hey, you know how we agreed on that price I was going to pay for you guitar amp? Well, I’m kind of a little short. Do you mind if I give you less than we agreed because I am a faking asshole who is trying to cheat you at the last minute? Cool, I figured you just wanted to get rid of it bad enough to take whatever. Hardy har har. Bye, chump!

Well, lo and behold I have come across the greatness of the of the best of craigslist top 100. I don’t know how they come up with this list. Not that it’s unknowable, I just haven’t bothered to look it up. What I do know is that there is a lot of funny crap happening there. So won’t you please enjoy my reading of the Best of Craigslist!

LOU READS: The Best of Craigslist Top 100

Mini Lou Reads: The Flophouse Movie Minute

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It’s been a while since I was on The Flophouse Podcast so when I got a chance to contribute I jumped right in. Head flophouser, Dan McCoy, told me he was inspired by my corny announcer read that I did for the Large Penis Support Group and wanted to make his own version. I offered to do it and the rest is internet history. Surely you felt the paradigm shift when I hit save on the voice over file.

I Present to you “The Flophouse Movie Minute #28: Criterion Collection” Be sure to check out some of their other full length podcasts. They do a really funny job reviewing bad movies.

New full length Lou Reads coming on Friday! I know! Try to look more relaxed. People are starting to stare.

Lou Reads: Stories of People Who Can’t Handle Their Weed

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Dudes and dudettes,

How many times have you had to have this conversation with your significant other?

“Oh man, I don’t want your cousin coming over tonight. Why? BecauseÂ I just got some amazing weed and I want to try out this sweet new bubbler pipe thingy. Are you kidding me? No he can’t have some. Don’t you remember? He’s going to want to have some of this sticky-icky dank bud and you know he can’t handle his weed!”

I’m sorry if I am opening up old wounds. There is hardly anything worse than dealing with people who can’t handle their weed. It’s even worse than watching your dog get run over (This is my way of apologizing to you about that one time, mom). Okay, maybe watching something you love die is worse. But its definitely annoying to say the least to have someone who can’t handle their smoke start acting a fool and harshing your mellow.

Join me then, won’t you, as I regale you with tales of marijuana smoking sessions gone wrong. These true tales offered up once again by the lovely people of the internet for your listening pleasure.

STORIES OF PEOPLE WHO CAN’T HANDLE THEIR WEED: EDIT FIXED 8/3/09 – RE-FIXED 4/15/2011